Rate the prologue of my story?

Whoa-- I'm in Honors English, and I was about to give up reading this. You have great description, but try to use more common words sometimes. If you want this to be an inviting, hooking story, cut it down. Some of the description was wonderful: The radiant sun shone through the mive cathedrals. But that's good. Don't add any more to that sentence, or people are going to be wondering whether you know there's such thing as the period on.